Trying to Catch –Up

It will be next to impossible to recap the last week and a half for the pace never stopped and the emotional responses never diminished. But I’ll try.

By the end of the week of evangelistic services, I had become comfortable with the style of worship and preaching. The theology in some of the music and in small parts of the preaching continued to challenge me – mostly around gender and spiritual warfare images. I had a chance to speak with Rev. Christine and I had come to find her motivational for my heart. I wonder where some of her phrases and insights and behaviours will begin to seep out when I get back to Canada? One of the most profound moments during the whole week came however in the prayer that the Circuit Superintendent (also my Learning Supervisor) offered on the Thursday night to his people. He asked the people to be generous – they needed donations to cover the costs of this week of services. And then he stood there and sang a prayer to them for 10 minutes or so - unaccompanied! I was awed by what I was witnessing. At one level I experienced that as a moment in the presence of the Kingdom of Heaven – there was no questioning that this was Holy Space. At another level, it felt like I was standing in an Ancient Temple and the High Priest was singing to his people – a prayer of hope and love. I became very humbled and even fearful, for I knew that such spiritual depth and power like this is given to all of us to use for God’s work. Once again, I found myself facing God.

Friday night was the last evening of these services and it was an outdoor event. Earlier that day, I had picked up a relatively new friend of mine, Bill. We had taken a Clinical Pastoral Education course together last spring/summer at one of the hospitals in the Niagara Region. He had come to the island for a few days from Grenada where he is currently an Anglican Theological Student on internship. We spent the afternoon sharing a meal and talking – it was good to connect to someone from home who was having a similar experience. I drove him around the west coast and took him to the Anglican Church in Holetown, one of the oldest on the island. We walked briefly in the ocean and then headed back to Bridgetown for he was coming to the outdoor service with me. That was the first time that he had attended an evangelical service and I think he was engaged by the music and the preaching. At 10:30 pm I had the task of driving him back across the island to the Anglican Theological School, Codrington College – a drive that took me through the small villages and countryside. I was very glad to get back home around midnight and so were Mary and Basil for they could not get to sleep knowing that I was doing a late night cross-country trek. But all was well.

That Saturday I was exhausted from the services all week, the late nights of journaling and painting and all the emotions that goes with that. I stayed at home and worked on sermons and worship services but also let my spirit just relax and try to process all that had and was happening.

The following week was another long one with meetings nearly every night. The church structure requires semi-annual congregational-type or council meetings and these were now being condensed into a tight time-line because of the special services the week before. Mid-week I had a pleasant surprise when a friend of mine from home had docked on the cruise line and contacted me about having lunch. We found a great little place by the ocean to dine and chat. What a treat to be surprised like that. It did however, leave me very aware that I was becoming a little disoriented with one foot back home and one foot here in my ministry.

That evening was my somewhat anxious Lenten Bible Study presentation on the middle sections of the Book of Revelations. Suffice it to say that technology complicated my life and my presentation was scattered and thin (getting powerpoint to run with my notes showing for my viewing was very challenging) I was not pleased and my learning once again is to always test the technology well in advance of presentations. The late evening self-evaluation was of course a bit hard on my ego. But the real challenges came as I also reflected on my choice not to respond to what I heard as judgmentalism around sexuality issues as they surfaced in the group discussion about the evils in the world. I was very disappointed in my silence even though it may have been interpreted as showing good judgment on a very sensitive issue in the Caribbean. That disappointment took a lot of emotional energy to deal with it and move on. However, I discovered something about my identity as one called to be a spiritual leader and that ultimately is good.

Saturday was another demanding day. There was a semi-state funeral for a minister with the MCCA who had been at different times very active in the various levels of the church organization. He was also a member of the Senate and the Chaplain for the Military. The Rev. Leonard Rock was a social activist in all the areas of his life and that was clearly his way of living out the Gospel no matter where he was. It was good to see the effect that such a person has on the many that he obviously mentored and befriended over his years of ministry. The funeral service was held in James St. Methodist Church being the one with the largest seating capacity. Basil estimated that there were close to 2,000 people that attended the service. The Connexional President, Rev. George Mulrain was in attendance (like the Moderator of The United Church) as was the District President Rev. Victor Job. They both made a point of coming up to me to say hello as they had of course heard of this intern from The United Church of Canada. The introductions were very nice and it was good to exchange the greetings from my church to them and likewise back to The UCC.

After the funeral service, I walked with all the other ministers and preachers and choir as well as the family and the hearse through the streets of Bridgetown to Bethel Methodist Church which where Rev. Rock was to be buried. It was a good tribute to a great person and I was honoured to represent The United Church of Canada.

The challenges of the event were embodied more through my observations of my Learning Supervisory who was officiating the service but who also considered Rev. Rock to be his mentor, minister and friend as well as colleague in ministry. That touched the very similar experiences of my own not that long ago. It was from my own knowledge of the difficulties for ministers burying their friends, that I hope I was able to offer some pastoral support to Rev. Walfall and his wife who read the Obituary (life story) during the service. The day had been long, leaving the house at 7:15 a.m. and returning at 3 pm. - the evening was spent preparing for the next worship service and baptism.

Sunday was a total blessing! I had my first Baptism - a little one named Nathan! I was smiling through the whole thing – it is truly a blessing to go through the symbolism with abundant water to represent the abundant love with which we are to welcome every little child into the Body of God. I had discussed with the pastor of this congregation, Rev. Bourne about my UCC tradition of inviting a young person to pour the splashing water from pitcher to bowl, baptizing with large handfuls of water and walking the child into its new community of faith. He encouraged me to do these things but to introduce them to the congregation with appropriate explanation. The ministry staff have been very supportive of me bringing some new and different ways into parts of their service. I felt good about the weaving of their formal Baptismal liturgy and my more theatrical expressions of that.

This week will be different again – my daughter and sister are visiting and I can hardly wait for them to arrive later this afternoon. Not sure how soon I’ll post again for between the wonderful visiting will be work as well as I have to prepare for Holy Week coming up as soon as they leave. Holy Week means services every night with preaching and then Easter. I hope I will feel rested and full of joy from the time spent with family to thoroughly enjoy the moments with my new friends here at Easter.

Till next time

A week unfolds

The Bethel Circuit of the MCCA is sponsoring a series of Evangelistic Services - one service every night at each of the 6 congregations within the circuit. The Rev. Christine Gooden-Benguche and 2 other women have journeyed from Jamaica to take some leadership in these services. Each congregation has been expected to prepare and lead worship for about 1 hour with an emphasis on music and then the team from Jamaica come forward for more direct leadership.

The first service was at Bethel Methodist, the largest congregation in the heart of Bridgetown. The place was packed, fans were all turned on and the gentle breeze carried a sense of anticipation. I sat with Mary and a few other women from South District. We sat maybe 4 rows from the front. There was a worship band to the right which included full drums, lead guitar, bass guitar, african drum, keyboard and flute. I felt like I was at home at Trinity United on a Wednesday night with our alternative worship time! I was really looking forward to the evening!

It is now Wednesday, I am still not sure that I can begin to describe the night in a way that can convey the experience. The music started and was a combination of older hymns and praise music from the UK movement of worship. I was touched to be able to sing along to some of these new songs of faith that we had in common - songs that I have on my MP3 player and listen to in the morning or at night. It felt like in these songs was a commonness throughout the world and that felt very, very good. People were mostly up and moving and clapping and singing ---oh they know how to sing from the bottom of the beings! And the cymbals - lots of them - wonderful! I was overwhelmed how it blazed through my being and radiated joy.

There were liturgical dancers, choral sharing, testimonies....moments of being touched that I noted for myself as something to nurture back in Canada where we are ever so shy to share our faith publicly.

About 1 hour and 45 mins. later, the music was beginning to shift towards the team from Jamaica. One of the women, Anita stood up and began to sing in a style that harked to me of Aretha Franklin - the sound that came out of this person, the intensity, the rhythms, the focus of her offerings of song - just blew me away! Her voice must have echoed throughout the entire neighbourhood. The gathered people got more and more energized, the singing got louder and louder and the dancing was more and more noticeable.

Then came the speaker - Rev. Christine. A wisp of a woman in comparison to Anita she stood before the crowd, said a prayer and within 5 - 10 minutes had doubled the energy in the room. I am sure that there were moments that my mouth visibly dropped and I just stared at the intensity and volume that radiated from her commanding presence in the room. She continued like that - walking and talking, shouting for attention, speaking truths and asking questions - for about 1hr and 15 mins.

Then there was a transition into the period of an alter call where people are asked to come forward with their particular needs and counselors would be there to pray with them. I'm not sure how long that lasted but I would guess another 1/2 hour, through which time there was some gentle singing.

Now for some reading this, these details may seem familiar to some extent. But in my middle class, southern Ontario, mainline protestant context, this was what I watched on TV periodically to see what others do in the name of their faith. It was new to me except for a Billy Graham Crusade when I was much, much younger. Every sense that I have was pushed to some limits by the experience.

I am aware that I still cannot process the experience well. And it happened again the next night and last night. I am exhausted for I cannot get to sleep well after these evenings. I am becoming more and more aware that I must find a place and a space to go and draw and paint and see how to make sense of these experiences. I hope that I can do that soon. I'll share more then as I am able.

Thanks for visiting - come again!

Wednesday, March 7th

Today was a day of contrasts. I had my first "working" session with my Learning Supervisor, Rev. Paul Walfall. It was very productive both in terms of expanding our relational dynamics and in covering a multitude of "tasking" items such as learning goals and a plan to complete and transfer over the work that I've been asked to do in Vauxhall and South District congregations.

It was in the conversation rising from my insatiable appetite to see the world through the eyes of the people living in Barbados that a "nugget" of insight was placed on the table. Sensing that "nugget" caused much, much inner contemplation. In essence we were talking about the psyche of people in general in different cultural contexts. I was offered the perspective that many people in the Caribbean continue to suffer from their historical context - a context that has embedded a psyche with issues of self-worth as contextualized into the global context that continues to be dominated by the British/North American. These issues in turn under gird much of the attitude of victimization where "others" are looked towards for "rescue". These attitudes could be seen in small and large ways throughout the church and throughout the society. Many are working hard to dispel this attitude - there is currently a "strive for excellence" campaign on the island. And of course, the liberating gospel of Jesus Christ that offers redemption from such victimization is being preached throughout the land.My heart broke. As I walked the beach later that day I embodied a fullness of lament that I have come to be familiar with more often over these last years. I like the concept and experience of lament as opposed to being depressed or in angst. Lamenting is real, active and deep without tearing at my own inner fabric. I do not need to fall apart inside, I just need to let my heart be touched and be wounded by that which has caused the lament and that which will, I believe ultimately call out a new understanding from the lament.

Lamenting is something the United Church of Canada has engaged deeply over the years of integrating the reality of the legacy of the Residential Schools. In my last years of theological studies, I found the development of lamenting as a people a wonderfully helpful framework and process. I delight that there is more and more work being done on the need to recover our abilities to lament in order to honour our pain and turn it into an action of justice.

I lament often as I move and live with Barbados. I lament because of the historical realities between the "north" and the "south", the "developed" and the "developing", the "white and the "dark". May these moments of lament indeed give me a new voice eventually!

May we all be blessed!

Preachers' Meeting March 5th

This evening I attended a gathering of people at Bethel Methodist Church in Bridgetown (largest in the Bethel Circuit) that included the Presbyters (like UCC ordained clergy), Accredited Preachers (like UCC Lay Preachers) and individuals who are on "note" (have indicated an interest in preaching and leading worship and are being assessed as to their suitability) and those on "trial" (like UCC theological students). This gathering is an official "court" within the MCCA structure and was presided by the Superintendent of the Circuit who is also my Learning Supervisor - Rev. Paul Douglas-Walfall. I was greeted very warmly, asked to say an opening prayer (springing this on me in the moment - for those of you who remember my shyness over the years about extemporaneous prayer - you will commiserate with me on these surprises that greet me in many situations!)

The evening was very interesting especially for someone like me who sees issues of structure and governance as ways in which to empower people for their ministry or de-energize them. I therefore found it fascinating to hear the way in which Rev. Walfall described the conversation around the appraisal reports on those on "note" and "trial" as the process of "forming Prophets". Juxtaposing his role as the "shepherd" of this gathering as a whole, I was left with this vibrant image of "the shepherd who attends to those who form prophets." There is a richness in the concept, a tension that I suspect exists in the lived out reality and a structure that I found challenging to mediate the whole process. I hope that I can learn more about this as I sense the image is of great potential value in my understanding of my own system.

There were a few other issues that arose that created a need for a long conversation with Basil the next morning (he was in attendance). These issues pointed clearly to the need for checking assumptions before speaking - turns out that I assumed the meeting was a public forum because minutes were being taken within an official Court meeting - not so! Knowing that made it easier for me to identify the gathering more as a formal Education and Students Committee although broader in its mandate than my experience of our E&S Committees. That also made the hearing of detailed evaluations of the preacher on "note", including their dress and mannerisms a little easier for me to process.

The bonus from the night - I received feedback that although my prayer was unusual, it was powerful in that I gave thanks for the little things in life such as the touch of a hand. People encouraged me to speak with my voice even with the potential of making mistakes based on wrong assumptions. I've taken that encouragement to heart and have started to relax around worship service preparation and the style of prayers that I write. However, I've come to see a power in their different style so I will challenge myself with that on occasion as well.

It was a very insightful night with many ideas to contemplate. That night I went to bed reading the Minutes of the MCCA District Conference that was held in January 2007. I hope that I'm not the only one out there that finds such things valuable resources in beginning to sense the life of the larger faith community and its interplay with the local congregations!

till next time.... Blessings!

Harvest Festival March 4th

It's been awhile since I've had a chance to "speak" in this medium - the power outages and the computer server problems last weekend made internet access a nightmare. Yet those issues were secondary to the growing amount of work that lays before me. I'll try to catch up a bit with last week's surprises.

The first was the Harvest Cantata at South District, the little church of the Bethel Circuit and the one that I am assigned to. The Cantata started @ 4 pm and the place was packed! I had an unusual role from others' perspectives, but one that was not that unusual for me in my past - I sang in the choir! It was one of the
first real decisions I made in my searching to become integrated into this little faith community as quickly as possible. I call it the Ministry of Presence and I enjoyed it immensely.

What I didn't anticipate was the perspective that I would have this evening of the whole celebration. Sitting up front and not in a role of direct responsibility for facilitation allowed me to watch everyone in attendance. It was very good to note the smiles and relaxation on peoples' faces. I'm glad I'm not the only one who smiles from ear to ear when young children and teens share of themselves.

I also noted how very tired the clergy (called presbyters) were. As I begin to sense the rhythm of this system of being church and watch to see what these leaders are being asked to do, I am left with many, many questions and even a few insights that will be valuable I think for when I return to my own system in The United Church of Canada.

Then the real surprise happened! During the offering, there was a scurry of activity as a number of cymbals (we would call them tambourines) came out for the song of praise. I was just floored! The way that the people played them - the way that the whole room exploded with energy - the way that the tiring faces became alive - the way that the children focused and moved their bodies - the obvious to me thorough enjoyment of the moments - what an amazing gift that way of praising was! Even as I write, one week later, I can feel the amazement and energy in my being.

After the service I remarked to many people in that congregation that those cymbals may be their greatest gift to the community of faith and the people who live outside of these walls. I think that to a small extent the people were taken aback by my "gushing" of affirmation, although I've come to understand that South District is a church known throughout the area for this particular gift. I hope I never lose that sensation inside of me from this experience!

The evening went well and as I settled on the porch at Basil and Mary's, I began to reflect on what it was I felt at South District that was distinctly different than any of the other Harvest Festivals. I have much to still contemplate, but I'm wondering if there is a simplicity to this gathered community that I find very appealing.

Blessings till next time!

More Ponderings

My day of reflection yesterday was fruitful. In the morning I wrote a 1^st draft of a sermon for the Harvest Festival at South District Church – and yes- I included my issue about water as a part of the celebration and hope we can bring with the stewardship of God’s good gift.

Then I went to the beach to paint. After some searching along the west coast of the island, I found an interesting local park south of Holetown. It was called Bat Rock Beach and it was under some degree of rehabilitation because of some of the old structures. The surf was just pounding for it had been very windy that morning. With the tall waves came the surfers – tourists and locals. They were intriguing to watch playing in the thundering caps and obviously enjoying the sport. I sat by a low coral rock wall on the clean sand and soaked it all in. But it was the rocks that eventually pulled my attention more and more. I became struck by the relationship between the people and the rock upon which they live. When housing is the topic, it finds expression as “owning a piece of the rock”. When construction is underway, it’s all about manipulating the rock. When the surf curls on the ocean, it is because of the coral reef that edges the island of coral. When I leaned against that coral rock wall, it seemed like I leaned into a spirit and I began to sense the people themselves – porous like the rock they live on.

Perhaps I glorify this sense of the spirit. Perhaps I juxtapose my imaginings of what it must have been like historically to work this land on the rock – cutting cane by hand like the slaves had to do and digging crypts and foundations for churches where there was only rock. Maybe I glorify things or perhaps I sense something of the fragile life upon this rock. And every day, the water pounds away at it and transforms it.

What Spirit will these people need? From where will their visions come? Where will their hope find fertile ground? Living as a developing nation with a relatively short history of independence, the fruits of their first visions, hopes and spirit as a free people, these fruits are seen in their universal health, education and social networks. Yet, the tides are pounding the whole global community. Global warming, for example has a particular reality for this little island like it does for all coastal communities around the world. Yet, Barbados also has the 3^rd least amount of fresh water per land area in the world – add to this a history of decimating the landscape in order to grow sugar cane for export to colonial powers and the more recent effects of massive urbanization in response to the tourism industry and its consumption of water and Barbados is struggling with desertification.

Throughout the world, the voices of the silenced ones scream as they try to protect the old lands while many of the inhabitants of our communal home consume our very home for profit. Living in our new Empire with its monopoly of economics and cultural, we threaten the diversity and tolerance that has been built up by the people of this island. If I can just glimpse how this rock called Barbados responds to their ongoing struggles, what hopes and visions they lift up to the winds, then my time here will be a real gift. I wonder what I have to shed from my own being so that I can glimpse these things?

Blessings - come again!

Just some thinking

Monday morning, February 26th:

Before I came on this internship journey, The United Church sent me on a 10-day Orientation with the Canadian Churches’ Forum on Global Ministries. As I begin to live this unique experience deeply, more and more of my learnings from that Orientation are surfacing to both challenge me and to reassure me. The reassurance is easier to describe, so I’ll start with that one.

There’s a natural emotional cycle that all mission personnel go through. The first is the emotional “high” where all your senses are on high alert trying to take in and process all the new environment – physical, spiritual, historical, social and intellectual. After a period of this rapid input and processing, there will come a time where one begins to “crash”. Often characterized by symptoms of withdrawal and excessive yearning for that which is familiar, one begins to feel pressed in by the new forces around them, forces that once were delightful and invitational now begin to feel awkward and overwhelming.

The past few days I have seen that second cycle begin to emerge and I am very thankful for the “heads up” that I received in the time of Orientation. Yesterday’s time of worship at Vauxhall Church and their Harvest Cantata were very good places for me to be. The genuine hospitality was comforting. The special card of welcome touched me. The wonders of a community in celebration eased my spirit and brought out laughter and a sense of direction.

That evening, I brought out my paints for young Justen – Mary’s nephew who is an expressive and energetic 10 year old. He had been intrigued by my watercolour crayons and wanted to know how they worked. Letting him play with them drew me also into their possibilities of expression. I noted immediately the need to lose myself in them as a way to open up my inner self that had absorbed much these last 2 weeks. I knew then that I would be seeking the beach tomorrow with my paints. I wonder what Sophia (Holy Spirit) will try to get me to see. I am assured by the fore-knowledge that these emotions were to come and that I know that I must not only stay connected with people but allow space for my interior being to open up.

The particular challenge that I already find myself in is the tendency to jump to conclusions based upon my biases and passions, both which are shaped by a radically different context than that which exists in the psyche, soul and society here in Barbados. I am struggling between using my voice as an instrument of another perspective and silencing it out of respect for all that I know that I do not know.

The case before me – last Friday (Feb. 23^rd) there was an article in the “Weekend Nation” titled “Prayer team out in full for CWC (the CWC is the Cricket World Cup). I read through the initiatives of a certain denomination to reach out to the 30,000+ visitors expected on the island for the semi-finals and finals being played in Barbados over the next 8 weeks. This denomination has printed out 80,000 tracts (leaflets) and has plans to distribute 30,000 bottles of Aquafina water, free of charge. The message on the tract will be “Sharing Jesus Christ – Free Living Water to All – Drink and Thirst No More – John 4:14”.

I have been in deep contemplation since reading about this proposed water distribution as an evangelism strategy. To appreciate the roots of what is upsetting me one needs to be aware of the state of water in our global village and the dire forecasts around water from the United Nations. Bottled water is the fastest growing global trend and it threatens the very nature of life on this planet. (for more information, please access the following websites: http://www.polarisinstitute.org/node/49 and http://www.worldwaterday.org/) . Living within our new Empire means that water can be privatized and sold rather than being a free and basic human right for all. With World Water Day approaching on March 22^nd, I am preoccupied by the irony that I see in this evangelistic tool. First, one needs to acknowledge that bottled water is a commodification of our basic human needs that not only further creates injustice but also is destroying the very world that God created as a good gift to us humans. To give bottled water away in order to preach salvation through Jesus Christ is a dysfunctional expression of a faith perspective that is called to respond to all of creation is groaning for justice and God’s Shalom.

It will be interesting to see how I find my voice during this upcoming weekend's Harvest Festival in South District and the season of Lent ahead of us. I am a guest in this country and I am a representative of a national church; but I am foremost a child of God who calls me out of my hope filled faith into action for the sake of all that God has loved into being. I will pray for much wisdom over these days of challenge.

Thanks for visiting - come again!